I had Krieger replace the cyanide in one of my capsules with Binaca, and in the other with Xanax. That way I’m ready for pretty much whatever the day may have in store for me.” from “How to Spy: Gadgets” in How to Archer by Sterling Archer (via leighway)
gq:
What Would Archer Do?
We’re in the business of teaching the sacred Art of Manhood here at GQ, but sometimes we leave out a few lessons. Like how to wield a bõ staff to bludgeon your enemies. Or seduce women with a single pick-up line (in 16 different languages). Or drive an elephant. For these topics, we humbly defer to Sterling Archer, the self-proclaimed World’s Greatest Spy…in the World:
GQ: You and Burt Reynolds coincidently arrive at a brothel in Thailand at the same time and you’re both interested in the same prostitute. Coincidently. Who gets first dibs?
Sterling Archer: Man, if I had a dollar for every time (I’ve wished that) this happened to me… I’d probably have about forty dollars. Which, coincidentally, is also the going rate for a half-and-half at my favorite Thai brothel. And not only would I defer to Burt, I’d also probably just choose a different girl; how do you follow an act like that?
GQ: The Second World’s Greatest Spy…in the World invites you to dinner at a restaurant that’s surrounded by a pool of alligators and crocodiles. If you accept, he might poison you. If you decline, he calls you a “scaredy-cat.” What’s the appropriate response?
Sterling Archer: “Sticks and stones.” By which I mean I would arrive at the restaurant with a bunch of rocks in my pockets, wielding a bõ staff. After pummeling this wannabe with both, I would then use the bõ staff to pole vault over the monster-filled pool. That, or just not go.
Q: You know how to say, “I am a secret agent. Will you have sex with me?” in over two dozen languages. How do you convince a foreigner to participate if she speaks none of them?
Sterling Archer: I carry a laminated fold-out in my wallet with DOT pictograms of various sexual positions.
Read the rest here.
